Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Preamble

So, here I am writing my very first blog. When I say I think too much, it’s not an exaggeration. There is so much going on in my head that often it’s difficult to know where to start. But for the preamble, it seems only natural to start at the single most defining moment in my life, my parents’ divorce. Before you jump to conclusions thinking that I’m about to blame all of my troubles on the fact that they couldn’t stay together, think again. To the contrary, although the day my dad told me he was moving out was the most painful day of my life, it began a chain of events that moulded me to become the intelligent, loving, and well adjusted person that I am today.

I was a toddler, old enough to understand, young enough to think it was the end of the world... and yet adjust quickly. Later, a bitter custody battle would ensue; followed by some sickening events that no child should have to go through. A person who first came across as fun and caring friend turned out to be a violent, curious, alcoholic who I hope dies a slow, painful and lonely death. But enough of that.

It wasn’t all bad. Before too long I had step-parents, siblings, extended family, for which I am truly blessed. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now that I’m an adult and a parent myself, my experience has left me with two viewpoints. Firstly, no child should suffer an unhappy marriage, and although at first a divorce can appear to break a child, later in life it will work out. If the marriage will not work then it is for the best.

On the other hand, I always wondered what it would be like to be a part of a nuclear family. I see that it must have been so hard for my mum to get by as a single mother. I understand that the things I went through, she went through with much more intensity, she suffered and endured so much more. So for that reason, I’ve decided that no matter what, I will fight for my marriage. I love my husband. He drives me insane sometimes but there is a reason why I married him. I don’t have to go through the things my mother went through. So I am determined to provide my children with the life I didn’t have. Sometimes things don’t work out, but we should all plan to succeed, not plan to fail.

Having said all that, I know why she wanted out, I’ve been there. Don’t get me wrong, my dad is a wonderful man, any woman would be lucky to have him. When you’ve been with someone for a long time you forget how it started. You forget the butterflies and the excitement. Then someone new walks on in, someone handsome, a little dangerous perhaps. Your heart beats fast; your knees go weak... It always starts innocent, that’s what you tell yourself anyway. Then the next thing you know you’re in the midst of a full blown affair. I know, I know, what a contradiction, in the last paragraph I’m proclaiming to be in my marriage 100% and now I’m telling you I had an affair. The affair was a wakeup call. I tried to leave my husband. I told him everything. At first, he fought for me. He fought his heart out. Then one day, he gave up. It was at this point that it finally hit home, I finally realised what I was doing.

I ended the affair, I threw out anything that reminded me of him, I deleted phone numbers and text messages, and I worked it out with my husband. It wasn’t easy, I saw a counsellor, first by myself and then my husband started coming with me. Several years down the track my conscience is stronger than ever and there is a lingering pang of guilt in my stomach that I don’t think will ever fade. I hurt the person who matters most to me and he forgave me. I am so incredibly sorry and so incredibly grateful that he was willing to stand by me.

And that’s it, that’s the prologue. Well, a very brief version anyway. The purpose was to point to some significant moments that will be reflected on in future entries. No doubt I’ve missed something that may come up later but I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it!

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