Sunday, September 13, 2009

Bad thought avoidance mechanism

Recently I had to take an overnight trip for work, all expenses paid in a fancy CBD hotel so I wasn't complaining too much. When it came time for some shut eye, I was laying in the king size bed and my mind flicked back to several years ago when I stayed in a hotel for the weekend with my mister (is that the male term for mistress?). It was his birthday so we ran away together and got a room for the weekend. We drank, we had sex, we swam and sunbaked... we were in our own little world for 2 days...

I must point out that I haven't had any contact with G for four and a half years. But every now and then something makes me think of him and I'm overwhelmed with mixed emotions. I feel intense guilt and remorse, because I love my husband very much and I think I'm the worst person in the world for hurting him. I also feel a little nostalgia... You see, this was the only relationship in my life that both parties walked away from, not because we didn’t have feelings for each other but because we just couldn’t be together. So occasionally I miss him, I long to feel his lips on mine, I long to see his handsome face and feel his hands on my body, and then I go back to hating myself for thinking that way.

I know, without a doubt in my mind, that a happily-ever-after future with G would never be a possibility, even if I wasn’t married. He was in to drugs, he’d been in jail, didn’t really have a home, when we parted company he didn’t even have a job. I don’t think I was in love with him, more so the idea of him. The sex wasn’t even that fantastic. It was absolutely thrilling, this sexy bad boy at my mercy, but it lacked passion and worst of all, he showed no interest in pushing, or even looking for, my buttons. Pardon my French, but in hindsight, it truly was just fucking. My husband on the other hand is a professional in the bedroom; he is without a doubt the best sex I’ve ever had. A master love maker.

So it’s not that I want G back, but you know how sometimes you just want to go back and live in that moment that felt like a dream? Even when you’re living it you know it won’t last long so that makes it all the more appealing. I also started to wonder, if I think about it sometimes, does my husband? I wonder if it still pains him from time to time or if he has really pushed it aside. It was this train of thought that led me to develop a ‘bad thought avoidance mechanism’. Instead of remembering those exhilarating moments with G, I looked back on when I first met my husband...

How handsome he was (and still is) and so charmingly funny, at first thought I didn’t consider I had a chance with him. I remember the butterflies in my stomach when I saw him, my heart pounding in my chest, freaking out when he noticed me staring at him. I remember making out like horny teenagers and being completely incapable of keeping our hands off each other. I remember our honeymoon and how beautiful and special it was. I’m not sure when the transition happened, but somewhere along the line we stopped being aroused and ravenous teenagers who had more physical interaction than emotional, to the absolute best of friends, perfectly happy in each other’s company as well as each other’s arms. Some people are continually searching for something I came across at a relatively young age, something I do occasionally take for granted. So it’s time to stop wondering about greener pastures and reflect on all that is good in my life, because there is plenty of it!

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